“WELCOME home,” said the cabin steward as he opened the door to my balcony room on Carnival’s newest and biggest cruise ship.
Home? Hardly the word I had been thinking as I walked through the dazzling, eye-popping décor of CARNIVAL FREEDOM.
The ceiling lights change colour every few seconds. The carpets are a swirl of patterns and shades. Even the elevators have multi-coloured flashing neon lights in the ceiling.
Carnival’s “fun ships” are dedicated to full-on, all-American excitement – and the party starts the moment you're on board.
It’s just like Las Vegas – and the casino is the ship’s spiritual heart. Soon after sailing from Miami, cruise director John Heald (surprisingly, the man in charge of entertainment on Carnival’s 23 ships is a Brit, from Essex) announced: “The dealers are dealing, the slots are spinning, the craps tables are cr... open.”
I still don’t know how to play craps, but my investment in the roulette table was great fun while it lasted.
Americans don’t get as much holiday as we Brits, often just a fortnight, so everything has to be perfect for every precious vacation minute.
And on Carnival Freedom that means fast-paced action all the way, glitzy and glamorous and never, ever, dull.
There are all kinds of bars, clubs, restaurants and show lounges, a massive Camp Carnival for kids, and a spacious spa.
There was a Caribbean band playing on a stage overlooking the main pool, beneath a massive open-air TV screen. People were dancing and having fun with great squeals of laughter at the “hairiest chest” competition.
A huge curly water slide always had a queue of youngsters – baseball caps turned stylishly sideways – waiting to have a go.
And the buffet – enormous, with 100 yards of counter – was under constant attack by passengers who hadn't eaten for, oh, at least ten minutes.
Entertainment is almost constant. There is always something happening somewhere on this massive ship. Four days into the cruise I still needed my map to find my way around.
Top stage production is Ticket To Ride, a Beatles tribute show – think Mamma Mia with mop-tops. It was a big hit with the audience, who excitedly waved glow-sticks in time to Hey Jude. The show, the orchestra and even the stylish Victoriana Palace theatre itself are the equal of anything on Broadway.
In Scott’s Piano Bar, the piano revolves while keyboards hung on the walls mirror what the pianist is playing.
And in the smokers’ haven Habana Bar – styled on Cuba, although US laws mean you can’t buy a Cuban cigar – a fabulous jazz trio improvised my “test song”, A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square, brilliantly.
The 70s Nightclub is a throwback to Saturday Night Fever, with a floor that lights up.
On every cruise, the entertainment always takes second place to the food - and most of it is included in the fare. Carnival Freedom’s two main restaurants, called Posh and Chic, are traditional two-sitting affairs – but in sumptuous settings.
There is a 24-hour pizzeria, a deli, salad bar, sushi bar, an oriental counter, burger joint, and – wait for it – a proper fish and chip shop!
You can treat yourself even more and eat in the exclusive Sun King restaurant. There is a golden statue of Louis XIV at the door, the chairs look like they’ve been borrowed from Versailles, the steaks are superb and the service exquisite.
There is a £15 surcharge. It’s worth every penny.
On a seven-night cruise, the dress code for two evenings are designated “elegant”. On a lot of ships, that means a dinner jacket and bow-tie, or at least a dark suit.
On Carnival Freedom, while nobody actually pointed and stared at my dickie-bow, the only other people wearing one were the waiters.
As one of only 20 Brits out of 3,000 passengers, I found the Americans friendly, courteous and curious to hear my “cute” British accent.
And last night (Fri), as the ship headed back to Miami, I realised how much I’m going to miss my “home” on this fabulous, fun ship.
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